I’ve just been on an amazing Soul Safari in Africa.
What I learned about myself and human behaviour was deeply enriched by my experience of the African people, including the children.
We were privileged to attend a ceremony where the men from the community returned from clearing the caves of the elders.
We were transfixed by the dancing, the costumes and the singing.
The children were transfixed by us. Yes, we were a novelty, and maybe an oddity for them!
Children the world over have one common experience – they are curious and hungry to work out how the world works, and how to be safe within it.
You’ll have heard of the Amygdala or animal brain, which is the part of us that’s attuned to survival.
It protects and guides us in situations where a wild animal is ready to pounce upon us.
It directs the body to pump blood from organs like the digestive system into our extremities, so that we can run fast and climb trees when necessary to avoid death and injury.
Along with protection from predators, in early days, our survival depended on being included in the tribe. If we were to be rejected or ousted from the group, we wouldn’t survive.
And so there’s a part of us which is always seeking the way to ensure our survival. It’s ever vigilant for danger.
It’s brilliant at allowing us to jump back when a car unexpectedly rounds the corner where we’re standing.
It’s terrible at giving us guidance about our sense of self and our connection to others.
The ancient system of the Enneagram teaches that by the age of 5, we’ve settled into a way to be in the world that we believe will keep us safe. It may be that we’ll gain love and approval by getting things right, by being helpful, or by ensuring that we are strong or more successful than others.
There’s a rich body of study about what drives us and those in our lives, which can be really helpful.
The bottom line though, is that we made decisions when we were very small about how to gain approval and love, and perhaps to avoid rejection, and those decisions still shape what happens in our lives.
If you compulsively help others and find it difficult to look after your own needs, and find yourself becoming resentful that others don’t appreciate all you do for them, it’s likely your five-year-old is choosing what you do.
If you avoid conflict and pain and tend to retreat, or seek fun and distraction, that comes from a strategy that your small child developed .
It’s helpful to recognise that none of these behaviours – and all the other variations – are right or wrong, good or bad.
They were just strategies developed from that survival part of the brain.
What’s truly helpful is to have an awareness about where the impetus of your actions is coming from.
The sweet innocence and curiosity that we love in children, the adventurous spirit, the capacity to create fun and imaginary worlds and endless possibilities, is still within you right now.
The path your life takes is dependent upon which part of you is running the show.
“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”–Lao Tzu
Let me know if you’ve discovered ways to get more of what you love for yourself, or if you’d like to be updated about workshops I’m running.